This is the title of an award winning Broadway musical by Joe DiPietro. And it says it all. If you’re tired of trying to change your spouse, you’re not alone.
We love our spouses. We appreciate many of their qualities. We want the marriage to work. And yet, we often find ourselves trying to change the very person we chose to marry.
We want them to communicate differently, react differently, handle situations differently, or see things the way we do.
Sometimes, we’re even right! There may be things our spouse could do differently that would genuinely improve the relationship.
Why Trying to Change Your Spouse Backfires
But here’s the problem: Nobody likes feeling like they need to be changed.
Even when our intentions are good, constantly pointing out what our spouse could do differently can leave them feeling criticized, inadequate, or as though they’re never quite good enough.
And the more we push, the more they may resist. Instead of bringing us closer, our efforts to create change can actually drive us further apart.
What Happens When We Stop Trying So Hard to Change Our Spouse
So what happens when we stop trying so hard to change our spouse?
Interestingly, some couples find that things begin to improve when they stop focusing on what the other person needs to do differently and start focusing on what they can do differently.
Why?
Because it feels good to be loved. It feels good to be appreciated. And it feels good to be understood, even when we have our flaws and shortcomings.
When our spouse feels accepted rather than constantly evaluated, it can become easier for them to hear us, consider our perspective, and work toward changing themselves.
How Changing Your Own Behavior Changes the Marriage
And there’s another important piece to this.
When we begin changing our own behavior, our spouse gets to experience something different. Instead of hearing another explanation about what they need to fix, they see us putting effort into the relationship.
We become more patient. We might listen without immediately challenging their perspective. Maybe we make a greater effort to understand what matters to them, even when we don’t see things the same way.
And often, that effort can inspire them to reciprocate.
Focus on the One Person You Can Control
Of course, there’s no guarantee that changing ourselves will cause our spouse to change. And the goal isn’t to improve ourselves as a strategy to get them to do what we want.
The goal is to stop making our spouse’s growth a prerequisite for our own.
We can love our spouse, recognize that there are things we’d like to see change, and still choose to focus on the one person whose behavior we actually have control over: ourselves.
Sometimes, the best way to improve a marriage isn’t to work harder at getting our spouse to change.
It’s to start with ourselves.
If you and your spouse keep falling into the same pattern, marriage counseling in Atlanta can help you break the cycle.
Looking for support with your marriage? Get in touch here or call 678-977-0515.
Related reading: Unspoken Expectations in Marriage | When Your Attitude Speaks Louder Than Your Words