In 1986, Robert Fulghum published the book Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.
I love that title. As a couples therapist, I sometimes find myself thinking the very same thing.
“Use Your Words”
One of the most common phrases adults tell young children is: “Use your words.“
What do we mean by that? We mean that if something is bothering you, express it.
Children naturally tend to do one of two things when they’re upset. They either act out—hitting, biting, yelling, throwing a tantrum—or they shut down by crying, pouting, or withdrawing.
So we gently remind them: “Use your words.” Tell us what’s wrong so we can understand each other and find a solution.
It’s such a simple lesson. It makes perfect sense. We teach it to five-year-olds.
And yet, when it comes to marriage and family relationships, many adults struggle to do exactly that.
Why We Go Silent With Our Spouse
In individual counseling, it’s not unusual for a husband or wife to spend an entire session describing everything that’s frustrating them about their spouse.
Then, when the spouse joins the next session… crickets.
The complaints disappear. The concerns that seemed so urgent a week ago suddenly become impossible to say out loud.
Why? Because confrontation feels uncomfortable.
We’re afraid of hurting the other person’s feelings. We’re afraid of starting an argument. We’re afraid of being misunderstood. We’re afraid that speaking up will somehow make things worse.
So instead, we stay silent.
Yet, very often unspoken frustrations don’t usually disappear. They tend to grow.
Healthy Confrontation Isn’t as Scary as It Seems
Here’s the surprising part—and therapists witness this over and over again: healthy confrontation is usually far less frightening than people imagine.
When done right, it often becomes the very thing that moves a relationship forward. Problems become solvable. Misunderstandings get cleared up. Couples begin feeling like teammates again.
Not every conversation will go perfectly. But avoiding the conversation almost never makes it better.
Sometimes the best relationship advice isn’t complicated at all. It’s the same advice we give children every day: “Use your words.”
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