Don’t Just Tell Me What I Want to Hear
It’s not uncommon for people to open up to family members, friends, or their spouse and unburden themselves with some of the drama they’re experiencing in their lives.
It’s also not uncommon for those close to them to respond with validation.
“I can’t believe he said that!”
“If I were you, I’d absolutely quit that job!”
“Your boss said what?!”
The intention is usually good. We want the people we love to feel supported.
But is that the kind of support that they need?
Why Neutral Feedback Matters in Marriage Counseling
Over the years, I’ve heard numerous clients tell me that one of the things they appreciate most about therapy is receiving a neutral reaction.
Take, for example, a husband who comes to counseling after being blindsided by his wife’s decision to divorce. From his perspective, the marriage wasn’t perfect, but he never imagined it would end this way. Meanwhile, his wife had been quietly struggling for years. She had already grieved the relationship long before telling him she wanted to leave.
He comes into my office asking one question: “What in the world happened?”
Naturally, his friends and family rally around him. They blame his wife. They criticize her lack of communication. They point out her mistakes and reassure him that he’s not to blame.
That’s what people who love us often do. They’re trying to make us feel better.
But feeling better isn’t always the same as understanding what happened.
Seeing the Full Picture
What I’ve found in speaking with this gentleman—and others like him—is that people often feel a greater sense of peace when they’re able to process the entire picture: the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Even when parts of that picture are painful.
Why? Because the truth is comforting. The truth is meaningful. The truth gives us room to understand, deepen our awareness, and grow.
During his first session, we explored not only his wife’s shortcomings, but also some of the ways he had gradually lost sight of a few core values that were important in a healthy marriage. Those blind spots had contributed to the growing distance between them.
Was that easy for him to hear? Not at all.
Was it helpful? Absolutely.
Ironically, identifying his own contributions didn’t leave him feeling defeated. It left him feeling less confused. The pieces finally began to fit together.
Without seeing the full picture, it’s difficult to make sense of what happened.
Therapy Isn’t About Taking Sides
At the end of many sessions, I ask clients a simple question: “What did you appreciate most about today’s session?”
His answer was very telling. He said something to the effect of: “I appreciate that you didn’t just tell me what I wanted to hear like everyone else.”
That response has stuck with me because it captures one of the unique values of good therapy.
Therapy isn’t about taking sides. It’s about helping people understand themselves, understand others, and understand the dynamics that brought them to where they are today.
Sometimes that means offering validation. Sometimes it means offering gentle challenge.
And often, the greatest gift we can give someone isn’t the comfort of agreement. It’s the clarity of truth.
Contact Gopin Counseling for an honest feedback