Many of us have heard of the “compliment sandwich.” It’s a communication technique that’s often taught in the workplace. The idea is simple: begin with something positive, address the concern in the middle, and finish with another encouraging comment.
It might sound something like this:
“I’ve noticed you’re doing a great job keeping up with your projects. There are a few areas where your reports could be a little more detailed, and with those adjustments, I know you’ll continue to be a tremendous asset to our team.”
For a manager giving feedback to an employee, this approach often works well. It softens the criticism and gets the point across.
But What About Marriage?
Should spouses be using techniques like this with each other?
At first glance, it may seem a little artificial. Some people feel that if they have to package criticism between compliments, the relationship must not be very authentic.
“I just want to wear my feelings on my sleeve. Why do I have to tiptoe around my spouse? Shouldn’t I be able to say exactly what’s on my mind?”
It’s a fair question. After all, isn’t marriage supposed to be the one place where we can truly be ourselves?
Authenticity vs. Thoughtfulness
Perhaps. But being authentic and being thoughtful are not mutually exclusive.
Most of us naturally filter ourselves in countless situations. We don’t blurt out every passing thought to our boss, our neighbor, or the cashier at the grocery store. Not because we’re being fake—but because we recognize that words have consequences.
So why would we put less effort into how we speak to the person we care about the most?
Why We Resist Communication Techniques
Sometimes we resist communication techniques because they require more effort. It’s simply easier to say the first thing that comes to mind. Why spend time thinking about how to phrase something when we can just get it off our chest?
The problem is that this often leads to the recipient feeling attacked. When someone feels attacked, their natural instinct is to defend themselves. As a result, the conversation can easily shift away from solving the problem and toward protecting egos.
A genuine compliment before offering criticism isn’t manipulation if it’s sincere. It’s a reminder—to your spouse and to yourself—that this one issue doesn’t define the entire relationship.