It comes up all the time in my work with couples.
I’ll suggest to a husband that he be more expressive—more verbally appreciative, more attentive to the small moments, more present when his wife is talking. And before I’ve even finished the sentence, I’ll see it: a slight shift in posture, a look that says here we go again.
And then the words: “That’s just not me.”
Here’s the thing—they’re usually right. For many men, these behaviors genuinely don’t come naturally. If you’ve spent fifteen or twenty years not commenting on her new haircut, not saying “thank you for dinner” out loud, and not asking how her day actually went—then doing those things is going to feel strange. Uncomfortable. Maybe even a little performative.
The Confusion Between Unnatural and Inauthentic
The problem isn’t that it feels awkward. The problem is the conclusion that gets drawn from that feeling: Because it doesn’t feel like me, it must not be real.
But that’s not how growth works—in any area of life.
Think about learning to drive. The first time you sat behind the wheel, it felt completely unnatural. Your hands were too stiff, your foot was too heavy on the gas, your eyes didn’t know where to look. Did that mean driving wasn’t “you”? Of course not. It meant you were learning something new.
Or think about the first weeks of a new job. Everything feels off—the rhythms, the relationships, the expectations. With time, it becomes second nature. You become someone who’s good at that job. But only because you pushed through the discomfort of not being good at it yet.
Relationships work the same way.
The Right Question to Ask
When something feels unnatural in marriage, most people ask: Does this feel like me?
But that’s the wrong question.
The better question is: Does this move me closer to the husband I actually want to be?
Because here’s what I’ve seen in couples counseling over and over again: the men who insist they “aren’t wired that way” are often the same men who, deep down, desperately wish they could give their wife what she needs. The desire is there. The skill just hasn’t been built yet.
And skills can be built. Even the emotional ones.
What This Looks Like in Practice
Start small. Notice one thing she did today and say it out loud. Ask a question you wouldn’t normally ask. Say thank you for something you’d usually let pass without comment.
It will feel awkward. That’s fine. Do it anyway.
Authenticity in marriage isn’t about doing only what comes naturally. It’s about becoming the partner you choose to be—on purpose, over time.
If you’re not sure where to start, or the gap between where you are and where you want to be feels too wide, reach out. That’s exactly what I’m here for.